"Excelsior!!" Magma Man shouted as he plunged the Laser of Justice into The Dark Badge's bitter face. And with that, The Dark Badge has breathed his last breath. He slumped and fell, lifeless, from the precipice of the skyscraper roof and plummeted to the ground, 68 floors below.
Was it too late? Beneath Magna Man was a city in ruins. Was everyone dead? Is this the end of the world?
Tune in next week for The Continuing Adventures of Magna Man. Danger! Peril! Helicopters! Rought Iron!
This was The Continuing Adventures of Magna Man, brought to you in association with Keppell's Self Storage, your one stop shop for self storage and self gratification.
Next on Channel 4, the adult themed remake of Three Men and a Baby, "Three Men and a Biscuit", containing some scenes that viewers may find simultaneously tedious and offensive. If you are not offended by the sight of messers Guttenberg, Danson and Selleck grimacing whilst prone over a Rich Tea, then please, continue.
Turns channel.
Now on BBC2, a documentary detailing the life and work of "Poke" Watson, Britain's foremost Jazz musician, containing some scenes that viewers may find simultaneously tedious and offensive. If you are not offended by the sight of Britain's foremost Jazz musician grimacing whilst prone over a Rich Tea, then please, continue.
Turns channel.
That was Celebrity Biscuit Time, next week's guests will be Leo Sayer, David Essex and Billy Murray. Next on ITV1, Poirot, containing some scenes that viewers may find simultaneously tedious and offensive. If you are not offended by the sight of Belgium's foremost detective grimacing whilst prone over a Rich Tea, then please, continue.
Turns channel.
Now on BBC1, Question Time, live from Harlow. "Good evening, I am David Dimbleby, and this is Question Time, live from Harlow. Today I am joined by Jack Straw, Labour. Baroness Warsi, Conservative. Chris Huhne, Lib Dem and the biscuit game champion of the U.K, Jake Hunt. Jake? Do you have the Rich Tea's?"
Turns off Television.
Talking of a load of wank. Peter Serafinowicz has today been confirmed as playing Paul McCartney in the Robert Zemeckis probably horrible Yellow Submarine remake. Filling out the rest of the fab 4 are Cary Elwes as George Harrison, Adam Campbell as Ringo Starr and Dean Lennox Kelly as John Lennon.
I am not looking forward to this. Zemeckis will again be using the same horrible tecnology that he used with Beowulf, Polar Express and A Christmas Carol where everyone looks, well, shit.
But, coming it is. Urgh. I am sure it will be lame, as there is no way it will have the same kind of weird vibe that the cartoon has. I am sure it will actually have a plot and not run off on flights of fancy either. But that is part of the charm of the cartoon. I wish they weren't doing it, but there you go.
At the risk of sounding controversial. I have been revisiting some of the Friday the 13th franchise during my recent illness. I know what you are all thinking. What is more of a horror story? Friday the 13th or On The Buses. One has a high degree of nudity, stupidity and a ghoulish-half dead looking protagonist, the other is about a killer on a rampage in Crystal Lake picking off young people. See what I did there? I am clever.
I decided, as I have very little else to write about, I would share with you my findings regarding the 3 films I watched in my dazed state, in this Friday the 13th themed blog.
I started, as you do, with Friday the 13th:The Final Chapter (Or Part 4 to you).
Not a classic, but at the time, was meant to be the end of Jason. Oh how wrong they were.
This film must have the highest early film role ratio of any of them. You have Corey Feldman as young Tommy, Crispin Glover as one of the teens and Fackler from Police Academy as a morgue attendant.
Incidentally, the morgue attendant in this film does that horrible cliché that they often do in films. When you first see him, a body is wheeled in and he is eating a big messy sandwich which he plants on top of the dead body. Ha! What a slob, eh??! There seemed to be a never ending stream of films in the 80's that had morgue attendants eating food whilst dealing with the dead. I guess it is supposed to be funny? But it really isn't. it's just kind of annoying.
Anyway, Tom Savini (Dawn of the dead) returned (from Part 1) to supply the gore and make up effects and young Tommy Jarvis is basically a tribute to Tom Savini with his obsession with make up and effects in the film. Savini wanted to do it when he heard it was to be the last one, "I made Jason, It's only right I kill him too" He said.
Anyway, Jason is actually fine even though he has had an axe embedded into his skull. He only died for about two hours and then woke up in the morgue, killed everyone in the hospital (probably) and then went back to Crystal Lake to wipe out another lorry load of people. It is a pretty tame entry. Part 3 just seemed far more menacing. This one just seems a bit copy and paste. It is the first film that suffers from the inevitable repetition that comes with these type of slasher films.
The only stand out moment is the Crispin Glover dance (which he says was actually to AC/DC Back to Black, but later dubbed as some lame 80's pop fair) in which he dances like a total and utter bell end. The rest being fairly pedestrian, even for a Friday movie.
I next watched Part VII : The New Blood
In flash back, we see a young girl (Tina). She is upset that her parents are arguing and her dad hits her mum. Tina runs out of the house(which is on Crystal Lake) and gets in a boat. The dad comes out to say sorry and Tina is so upset, she becomes telekinetic and murders her dad by collapsing the harbour he is standing on. Years later she is coming back to Crystal Lake to be studied by an evil doctor, probably to weaponize her or something(They are always with the weaponising).
Anyway, Tina again, in her fucking selfishness, gets upset by a doctor trying to make her do cool stuff like moving a matchbox and runs out of the house again. She only ends up bringing Jason not only to life, but snapping the chains that hold him under the water. What a total bitch she is.
Anyway, there are many deaths, some very cool (the infamous sleeping bag sequence for one) some very lame (The strimmer) and Jason without the mask looks very cool. The whole Jason vs. Telekinesis battle is quite good, though not sure about the pot plant being thrown at Jason with a fake looking head in it wobbling around.
This film is only really notable to Friday fans for the first appearance of Kane Hodder as Jason. He was really the best at playing Jason and really made him seem more menacing.
Next was the controversial Part V : The New Beginning.
For those not aware of this entry it's (Spoiler alert) the one that isn't Jason. But a man pretending to be Jason, Scooby Doo style.
Tommy Jarvis (from Part 4) is now living in a hippy mental institute, in which no one appears to be mad, but raging nymphomaniacs that can come and go as they please (no pun intended). You are supposed to think that Tommy is so mad that he is now killing everyone as they seem to make a big point of that fact that he is never around when people meet their doom. But it turns out to be a rubbish ambulance driver who is annoyed that his son (who was the only one actually pretending to be mad) was axed to death by another inmate (again, someone who actually seemed mad) for asking if he wanted a bit of his chocolate bar.
Which may seem slightly unfair, but wait until you see him do it, you would axe him to death too.
Quite why this man decides to dress up as Jason (replete with fake bald head) to murder people is a bit of a mystery. It's not as if he left anyone alive to tell everyone that Jason is back and killing again. I know you could pick holes in these films until the cows come home, but this takes the biscuit (again with the biscuit).
Anyway, it ends with Tommy wearing the mask and holding a big knife. Originally, Tommy was to be the new Jason, but that all changed with Part 5 came out and bombed. People hated it, they felt that they had been swindled. Which is probably fair enough. So Jason came back in part 6.
There, I hope you have been entertained and have learnt someting. I know I haven't.
But what of Parts 1,2,3,6 and 8 I hear you think? Well. Next time I am ill I will almost certainly watch them too and report my findings.
Until next time, be nice to one another, and would you like some of my chocolate bar?
Also, if you are interested, I highly recommend the amazing book "Crystal Lake Memories : The Complete History of "Friday the 13th" which is a fantastic read and has some really cool pictures from the sets.
I openly laugh at your use of... how you say..."Rich Tea"...until you can do it on a Garibaldi biscuit then & only then will the people of Italy consider you as a contender for my crown! Comment By: Paulo Masturbazione, 12 Jan 2010, Rating: 5/5
I smell fear.
Comment By: Jake Hunt, 12 Jan 2010, Rating: 5/5
So that's where all our biscuits went. Comment By: Your Wife, 12 Jan 2010, Rating: 5/5
